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For those of you frequent readers, you may remember the previous discipline posts that I’ve shared with you. If you haven’t seen them, they are about Discipline with Natural Consequences and The Stoplight Discipline Method.
But I’ve heard a few things in response. The main themes being…
What if that doesn’t work?
My kids are way too out of control for that.
I just don’t know what to do anymore…
Here are some thoughts from me on behavior management. Take them for what they’re worth with a disclaimer that I’m not an expert, just a preschool teacher and fellow mommy. I’m in no way trying to be preachy in this post.
For me, there is a strong belief that we must teach our children to learn to regulate themselves, not submit to our will. Some children are more easy-going, some challenge us several times during the day. The key is to find out what works for you and what is age-appropriate and mentally/emotionally supportive for the child.
It Takes Time
It’s going to take some time to get a new behavioral plan in place. If a new method doesn’t work immediately, don’t abandon it. You have to stick with it. Show your child consistency.
They’re Still Gonna Love You
Even if your child gets upset with you, they will still love you. I feel like, especially with our first children, we’re afraid to make them upset. We correlate making them upset (thus crying) with being a bad parent. But we can’t give in to every whim they have. From toddlerhood to adulthood we make decisions as parents that make our children unhappy. As long as they aren’t manipulative or punitive, instead coming from a place of love and boundaries, it’s okay.
Even if your child gets upset with you, they will still love you. I feel like, especially with our first children, we’re afraid to make them upset. We correlate making them upset (thus crying) with being a bad parent. But we can’t give in to every whim they have. From toddlerhood to adulthood we make decisions as parents that make our children unhappy. As long as they aren’t manipulative or punitive, instead coming from a place of love and boundaries, it’s okay.
Time-Outs are Hit and Miss
Time-outs can work…sometimes…for some children. If you chose to use them, here are a few suggestions to help make them effective:
Time-outs can work…sometimes…for some children. If you chose to use them, here are a few suggestions to help make them effective:
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Designate a time-out chair/bench.
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Time-outs should be no longer than 1 minute per year of the child.
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While they are sitting, give positive reinforcement every 30 seconds.
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Toys can be put on time-out too (sometimes this gets the point across better)
Don’t Wait to Correct Behavior
Avoid waiting “until Daddy comes home”. By then, the child has likely
forgotten their wrong-doing and will not connect the consequences with their actions. Additionally, this can create a good cop/bad cop view of parents which negates trust and bonds.
Avoid waiting “until Daddy comes home”. By then, the child has likely
forgotten their wrong-doing and will not connect the consequences with their actions. Additionally, this can create a good cop/bad cop view of parents which negates trust and bonds.
Let It Happen
When all else fails…let the consequences happen. Obviously, I’m not saying let them do something unsafe. But if they are misusing a toy, sometimes allowing it to break after numerous reminders, will teach that they must be careful with their belongings. Sometimes a gentle reminder is needed “If we are destructive with our toys, they will break. Then we will have you throw it away.
Be Their Peace
Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. Smart as they are, children know how to get a rise out of others. They aren’t being manipulative, just exploring the parent-child dynamic. And if they see their testing behaviors spin their guardians out of control, it only adds to the chaos.
Provide Opportunities to Succeed
Provide positive and acceptable activities. If you’re needing to clean the kitchen, give them some rags and let them “help”. Yes, it may take more time and effort on your part, but focus on what they are learning in the process.
Label Emotions
Take the time to help your child label what they’re feeling. Is is frustration that they cannot do something on their own? Anger that Little Brother is impeding their play? Sadness that Mom can’t play because she’s caring for a younger sibling? By helping them label the feelings attached with their behaviors, we can help them better handle them in the future.
No Child is “Naughty”
Each child is being the best tiny human they can be at that given time. Avoid using the word naughty. This word is generally used in the context of “You’re being naughty.” Phrasing like this labels the child, not their actions. Instead, phrases such as “poor choices” and “unsafe decisions” can be used. I often use the phrase, “I love you, but I don’t like the choices that you’re making.”
Take a Time-Out
It’s okay to take a mommy/daddy time-out. If you think that the situation is more than you can deal with at the moment, let your child know. “Mommy is upset. You’re upset. I think that we both need to take a break to calm down.” Sit down next to your child quietly for a few minutes until your heart rate has slowed down. All too often we (yes, me) react out of emotion, rather than in a way that we know we should. The best piece of advice I’ve ever heard is in this next point.
Be the Parent You Needed As a Child
Remember that you are dealing with a child. Words hurt…especially when you’re little. Reflect back on the inadequacies you perciee from your caregivers. Did you feel a nuisance? Like you weren’t heard? Focus on making those your parenting strengths. And try to heal from your childhood traumas. They play a major part in how and why we parent as we do.
And Remember
Words said in anger cannot be taken back. And it’s never okay to hit a child.
When all else fails…let the consequences happen. Obviously, I’m not saying let them do something unsafe. But if they are misusing a toy, sometimes allowing it to break after numerous reminders, will teach that they must be careful with their belongings. Sometimes a gentle reminder is needed “If we are destructive with our toys, they will break. Then we will have you throw it away.
Be Their Peace
Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. Smart as they are, children know how to get a rise out of others. They aren’t being manipulative, just exploring the parent-child dynamic. And if they see their testing behaviors spin their guardians out of control, it only adds to the chaos.
Provide Opportunities to Succeed
Provide positive and acceptable activities. If you’re needing to clean the kitchen, give them some rags and let them “help”. Yes, it may take more time and effort on your part, but focus on what they are learning in the process.
Label Emotions
Take the time to help your child label what they’re feeling. Is is frustration that they cannot do something on their own? Anger that Little Brother is impeding their play? Sadness that Mom can’t play because she’s caring for a younger sibling? By helping them label the feelings attached with their behaviors, we can help them better handle them in the future.
No Child is “Naughty”
Each child is being the best tiny human they can be at that given time. Avoid using the word naughty. This word is generally used in the context of “You’re being naughty.” Phrasing like this labels the child, not their actions. Instead, phrases such as “poor choices” and “unsafe decisions” can be used. I often use the phrase, “I love you, but I don’t like the choices that you’re making.”
Take a Time-Out
It’s okay to take a mommy/daddy time-out. If you think that the situation is more than you can deal with at the moment, let your child know. “Mommy is upset. You’re upset. I think that we both need to take a break to calm down.” Sit down next to your child quietly for a few minutes until your heart rate has slowed down. All too often we (yes, me) react out of emotion, rather than in a way that we know we should. The best piece of advice I’ve ever heard is in this next point.
Be the Parent You Needed As a Child
Remember that you are dealing with a child. Words hurt…especially when you’re little. Reflect back on the inadequacies you perciee from your caregivers. Did you feel a nuisance? Like you weren’t heard? Focus on making those your parenting strengths. And try to heal from your childhood traumas. They play a major part in how and why we parent as we do.
And Remember
Words said in anger cannot be taken back. And it’s never okay to hit a child.
Know that I’m just an email away. Shoot me a msg, Facebook or Tweet me. Whatever. Like I said, I’m not an expert, but I’m more than willing to talk to you, let you vent, or give you ideas from myself or my many other momma resources.
I love the idea of giving a behavior plan time. I always try to balance a plan with positive incentives, too, especially in the beginning. When a child listens for the first time, we put a marble in the jar… Fill that jar up fast, for a trip to the park or library. Listening becomes fun 🙂
I am one that cannot keep a child in place. So my consequences involve things going on a time out instead of a child sitting on time out. It might be a favorite toy or even time with mommy. Some way to show the choice matters.
Thanks for sharing great ideas!
Great post! I've let Riley get out of control, and I am trying to bring her back down to reality. It is definately a long, hard road.
It's tough, but I make the child put the toy they broke in the trash, then take the trash out of the house (so they don't remove it from the can).
Thanks for the positive reinforcement during time out suggestion. It might really help my littles!